Let me start by saying that I'm happy and Blessed to awaken each day with the opportunity to experience new and better things. I thank the Lord for planting the "Seeds" that have begun to grow inside of me and vow to remain committed to nurturing them while continuing to evolve into this "new creature" I'm destined to be. Being that this month and my annual year is coming to an end I can't help but reflect on some of the "new-found" and lingering challenges that have plagued my spirit partially extinguishing the "internal flames" that once fueled my flight:

1. I struggle a lot when dealing with the limitations of people. I find that my expectations from others are a lot higher than they've ever been which is why I make it a point to absolve myself of any physical or mental dependancies.

2. In this same manner I find that I'm less forgiving of those who exclude knowledge or information with intention of causing hurt or pain. This is why I try to remove myself from situations where I'm in proximity of those who only care to receive but not give and those who simply don't care to give.

3. I find that I have no patience for those who live through deceptive mediums. Because I consider myself an unconditional giver it bothers my spirit to no end to be in the prescence of those who claim to "be of faith" yet remain unaccountable for the effect their devious actions have on others.

So what this tells me is that I have a lot of work to do and that although I've come a long way in my travels, I still have a long way to go before considering myself "worthy of His Praise".

I often think back to when I'm traveling at the highest point of my oval and operating as "instructed". I'm fueled by an intense and beautiful flame that burns as bright as the evening sun. My shield, inscribed with the virtues which define my faith, keeps me isolated from harm. And the light, which "guides" me, allows me to blaze new trails through treacherous and untraveled roads.

This flame is now extinguished, shield battered and dented, and light reduced to a flicker. This is a man who's spirit has begun to wither and so has his faith. He's been transformed into the very thing he's worked so hard to avoid; a complacent and weak creature, void of the desire to pursue change. I am now this man and although I'm protected and sill being guided, a part of me has still lost its way. Somewhere along the line I took over this "vessel" and managed to steer it off course. So far off course that I often have trouble seeing where I'm going. The light, though still visible, is now barely seen from the left or right of my peripheral and not front and centered. The road I now travel is sometimes both dark and cloudy, muddy and wet, slick with ice and jagged rock. Yet as I continue to steer I often hear a "voice" calling, directing, and guiding me to remain in view of the light. This voice has been loud and thunderous at times and faint and allusive at others when my desire to listen has been fleeting and anything but obidient. Somewhere I figured I didn't need any help and was more than capable of steering this "vessel" on my own. It's at this point in my life where I realize why my journey appears to have "stalled". I realize that I need to "relinquish control" and hand the steering back over to the "Provider of my Instruction" for He alone is the Compass guiding my direction. Stop trying to control and be controlled. Stop weeping about the plights of my fellow man and rejoice for them. Left them up in prayer and continue to fellowship and welcome them with open arms. Get back to loving myself for until I do this I'm incapable of loving others.

So when instructed to "go home" I did. I went back to the home that "cleansed me of my sins and raised me" when I last fell from grace. It's been nine (9) years since I last walked through those doors but today it felt as though I'd never left. My spirit was welcomed immediately upon entry and knew I was back home. I picked my favorite spot in the back and took a minute to take it all in. Waves of emotion washed over me as I sat there thinking and thanking Him for this instruction. I had obeyed and here I now sat waiting for the Word to be delivered to me. Wandering what "message" would He have to heal my aching spirit. It first came during the reading of the scripture:

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The next message came during the Morning Message:

1st Samuel 17:23 And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.

1st Samuel 17:32 And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.

1st Samuel 17:50 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

Wow! The message spoke volumes and hit on all of the points that are ailing my spirit. I was elated and as I sat there listening I couldn't help but note how everythings lined up for me to be at this point today and now none of it would've happened had I falterd or wasted time doubting His instructions. So when called to discipleship I went and proceeded to renew my vows to this my new church home.

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This entry was posted by marvC on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 12:54 PM and is filed under News, marvC. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.