Today I drank the Blood of Christ and for the first time did so with a heavy heart. I'll admit to having a lot of anger in my heart and for weeks have been trying unsuccessfully to process and remove it from my spirit. My initial response was to separate myself from that causing the anger but all that did was to intensify it as it festured and became it's own entity. I tried talking but quickly realized that I couldn't express why I was angry because I rarely make known my disappointments or frustrations. Clearly a situation where if you allow something to sit for too long it will have an effect on you. My normal response to anything has always been to "not care", expect nothing, and prepare for the worse, in man and woman. Therefore whenever a "situation" or "circumstance" arrives I try not to be surprised unless I'm emotionally involved.

Due to limited support resources I submitted to my "calling" and sought spiritual guidance and refuge in the church. Every message since walking through those doors have centered on asking for fogiveness, forgiving, and thanksgiving. So today while drinking of His blood I realized that I have very little of these traits left in me. I have no forgiveness in my heart towards those that cause pain; I've yet to ask for forgiveness for my own sins; and I have very little thanksgiving in me when I enter into His house. If anything I stumble in, sit down, and spend the entire sermon taking in the word and reflecting on my "afflictions". I openly admit to loving the Lord and being a willing sacrifice. I know that He's working through me so I don't seek comforting from man in that regard. All I seek is help and guidance in dealing with the "physical man" and the things about him that fuels this anger. I realize that I have to first look within myself and determine if this anger isn't something I've manifested due to my own failures. Am I an "unhappy" person? Have I chosen to be "unhappy" or is my "unhappiness" a direct result of failure. These are questions I'm working on but today realized that I need to let go and learn how to forgive. So today I vowed I'd use this medium as my tool for expressing my forgiveness.

I forgive you:
for not being there when I needed you
for not trusing in me
for not acknowledging my day of celebration
for remaining elusive at times where you were once accessible
for breaking my heart
for not accepting me for who I am or allowing me to be me
for presenting me with new found circumstances
for denouncing my attempts to accept you inspite of.
for letting me know time and time again that I'm not the one for you
for not following through on your promises

Please forgive me:
for allowing mistrust to enter into my heart
for ignoring obvious signs of incompatibility
for not being a stronger son, brother, or uncle
for pushing when you wanted to stop
for being too busy to call
for not saying I Love You
for holding you to an unreachable standard
for expecting the worse
for expecting too much
for not caring or adhering to your needs
for directing anger towards you

This method can never replace the joy of sitting down and expressing this in the physical but it is a start.

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This entry was posted by marvC on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 12:52 PM and is filed under News, marvC. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.