Due to limited support resources I submitted to my "calling" and sought spiritual guidance and refuge in the church. Every message since walking through those doors have centered on asking for fogiveness, forgiving, and thanksgiving. So today while drinking of His blood I realized that I have very little of these traits left in me. I have no forgiveness in my heart towards those that cause pain; I've yet to ask for forgiveness for my own sins; and I have very little thanksgiving in me when I enter into His house. If anything I stumble in, sit down, and spend the entire sermon taking in the word and reflecting on my "afflictions". I openly admit to loving the Lord and being a willing sacrifice. I know that He's working through me so I don't seek comforting from man in that regard. All I seek is help and guidance in dealing with the "physical man" and the things about him that fuels this anger. I realize that I have to first look within myself and determine if this anger isn't something I've manifested due to my own failures. Am I an "unhappy" person? Have I chosen to be "unhappy" or is my "unhappiness" a direct result of failure. These are questions I'm working on but today realized that I need to let go and learn how to forgive. So today I vowed I'd use this medium as my tool for expressing my forgiveness.

I forgive you:
for not being there when I needed you
for not trusing in me
for not acknowledging my day of celebration
for remaining elusive at times where you were once accessible
for breaking my heart
for not accepting me for who I am or allowing me to be me
for presenting me with new found circumstances
for denouncing my attempts to accept you inspite of.
for letting me know time and time again that I'm not the one for you
for not following through on your promises

Please forgive me:
for allowing mistrust to enter into my heart
for ignoring obvious signs of incompatibility
for not being a stronger son, brother, or uncle
for pushing when you wanted to stop
for being too busy to call
for not saying I Love You
for holding you to an unreachable standard
for expecting the worse
for expecting too much
for not caring or adhering to your needs
for directing anger towards you

This method can never replace the joy of sitting down and expressing this in the physical but it is a start.

Let me start by saying that I'm happy and Blessed to awaken each day with the opportunity to experience new and better things. I thank the Lord for planting the "Seeds" that have begun to grow inside of me and vow to remain committed to nurturing them while continuing to evolve into this "new creature" I'm destined to be. Being that this month and my annual year is coming to an end I can't help but reflect on some of the "new-found" and lingering challenges that have plagued my spirit partially extinguishing the "internal flames" that once fueled my flight:

1. I struggle a lot when dealing with the limitations of people. I find that my expectations from others are a lot higher than they've ever been which is why I make it a point to absolve myself of any physical or mental dependancies.

2. In this same manner I find that I'm less forgiving of those who exclude knowledge or information with intention of causing hurt or pain. This is why I try to remove myself from situations where I'm in proximity of those who only care to receive but not give and those who simply don't care to give.

3. I find that I have no patience for those who live through deceptive mediums. Because I consider myself an unconditional giver it bothers my spirit to no end to be in the prescence of those who claim to "be of faith" yet remain unaccountable for the effect their devious actions have on others.

So what this tells me is that I have a lot of work to do and that although I've come a long way in my travels, I still have a long way to go before considering myself "worthy of His Praise".

I often think back to when I'm traveling at the highest point of my oval and operating as "instructed". I'm fueled by an intense and beautiful flame that burns as bright as the evening sun. My shield, inscribed with the virtues which define my faith, keeps me isolated from harm. And the light, which "guides" me, allows me to blaze new trails through treacherous and untraveled roads.

This flame is now extinguished, shield battered and dented, and light reduced to a flicker. This is a man who's spirit has begun to wither and so has his faith. He's been transformed into the very thing he's worked so hard to avoid; a complacent and weak creature, void of the desire to pursue change. I am now this man and although I'm protected and sill being guided, a part of me has still lost its way. Somewhere along the line I took over this "vessel" and managed to steer it off course. So far off course that I often have trouble seeing where I'm going. The light, though still visible, is now barely seen from the left or right of my peripheral and not front and centered. The road I now travel is sometimes both dark and cloudy, muddy and wet, slick with ice and jagged rock. Yet as I continue to steer I often hear a "voice" calling, directing, and guiding me to remain in view of the light. This voice has been loud and thunderous at times and faint and allusive at others when my desire to listen has been fleeting and anything but obidient. Somewhere I figured I didn't need any help and was more than capable of steering this "vessel" on my own. It's at this point in my life where I realize why my journey appears to have "stalled". I realize that I need to "relinquish control" and hand the steering back over to the "Provider of my Instruction" for He alone is the Compass guiding my direction. Stop trying to control and be controlled. Stop weeping about the plights of my fellow man and rejoice for them. Left them up in prayer and continue to fellowship and welcome them with open arms. Get back to loving myself for until I do this I'm incapable of loving others.

So when instructed to "go home" I did. I went back to the home that "cleansed me of my sins and raised me" when I last fell from grace. It's been nine (9) years since I last walked through those doors but today it felt as though I'd never left. My spirit was welcomed immediately upon entry and knew I was back home. I picked my favorite spot in the back and took a minute to take it all in. Waves of emotion washed over me as I sat there thinking and thanking Him for this instruction. I had obeyed and here I now sat waiting for the Word to be delivered to me. Wandering what "message" would He have to heal my aching spirit. It first came during the reading of the scripture:

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The next message came during the Morning Message:

1st Samuel 17:23 And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.

1st Samuel 17:50 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

Wow! The message spoke volumes and hit on all of the points that are ailing my spirit. I was elated and as I sat there listening I couldn't help but note how everythings lined up for me to be at this point today and now none of it would've happened had I falterd or wasted time doubting His instructions. So when called to discipleship I went and proceeded to renew my vows to this my new church home.

Now being that I'm at a health clinic I was informed that I'd have to pay for the visitation upfront and in cash before being seen. I provide proof of my employment and based on the "sliding fee scale" I'll need to pay $55.00 dollars for each visit, excluding lab work. As I'm handing over the money I say to myself, "here's to a better year".

So I make it to the back and proceed to have my vitals checked. The physician arrives and immediately asks "What brought you here today?" and I say I'm here for a physical. She continues to ask "What concerns do you have for wanting to get a physical?" I state that it's something I do annually and that I wanted to continue the ritual. So as she's examining me she immediately picks up on the nasal issue when checking my nose. She replies "you have inflammation in the nasal cavity which is probably causing mucus buildup and congestion". I nod but in my mind I'm thinking "spot on" as this was on my list of concerns. She proceeds to explain that I've developed an allergy known as "Rhinitis" which can be trated with a nasal spray, Flonase, and an antihistamine drug known as "Loratadine". I state that I've never had allergies and asks if she could explain how this could occur? She states it could easily come from "airborn allergens" commonly associated with polluted air. She asks if I sleep with the fan on? Yes, I reply and that I also run and ride outside alot. She prescribes the Flonase and Loratadine, urges me to purchase an air purifier, and to get online and research this issue in greater detail. There's "no need for worrying about running or riding outside, just be aware of the triggers".

So she concludes with the preliminaries and asks if I have further issues or concerns? I engage her on my concerns with prostate exhaminations and she provides a statistic about "black males only needing to get checked once they're in their 40's". Well I'll be 40 in a few weeks doc and although I don't have any symptoms I'd like to get tested for my own piece of mind. She advises of the two tests associated with the prostate checkup:

Digital Rectal Exam (DRE) – tests for "palpable abnormalities in the prostate.
Prostate-Specific Antigen (PSA) Test – a blood test that measures the proteins by the cells of the prostate gland.

She goes on to advise of the separate fee for the test and states that it's not necessary if I don't have any symptoms. I stick to my original plans and advises her to proceed with both tests. Test 1 all "feels" fine with the prostate. Test 2 draw blood and wait for the test results.

Final questions or concerns? HIV testing. I recently had blood drawn for STD testing but it didn't include HIV testing. No problem we'll draw blood for PSA and HIV testing.

All in all it was a good visit. I left feeling like I got all of my concerns answered so here's to my healthy results.

Create Header Images
1. Use PhotoShop to create my header images at 1300w x 232h.
2. Log into my WordPress demo as an Administrator and make sure the Nextgen gallery plugin is activated.
3. Download the latest version of the JW Image Rotator from the following location:

http://www.longtailvideo.com/players/jw-image-rotator/

4. Extract and save the "imagerotator.swf" file to the following WordPress directory:

/wp-content/uploads/imagerotator.swf

5. Navigate back to your WordPress site where you should be logged in as an Administrator.
6. Scroll down and click the "Gallery" node to expand it.
7. Click the "Options" link and then the "Slideshow" tab.
8. If the "imagerotator.swf" file hasn't been detected you'll see a button asking you to search for it. Click this button to allow WordPress to search for the file. Once found scroll down and click the "Save Changes" button.
9. While in the "Gallery" node look for and click the "Add / Gallery Images" link.

Create Header Image Gallery
10. Enter a name for the new Gallery. For me this will be "Header Gallery".
11. Click the "Add gallery" button when finished and WRITE DOWN the GALLERY ID! This is important as you'll need it later.
12. Click the "Upload Images" tab, click the down arrow next to the "Chooise gallery" field and select the newly created gallery.
13. Click the "Browse" button and navigate to the location on your local system where you saved the header images.
14. Select each image and click the "Upload images" button when finished to have them added to the gallery.
15. Once finished scroll down to the "Gallery" node and look for the "Manage Gallery" link and click it to be taken to your list of galleries.
16. Look for your header image gallery and click its link to confirm that your images loaded successfully.

Add Slideshow to Header.php File

Note: the next thing we need to do is modify the "header.php" file for this template and insert the code which allows our slideshow to be displayed to our visiting audience.

Note: You can perform the following steps from within your WordPress installation by clicking the "Editor" link located under the "Appearance" node. From here you select your "header.php" file and follow below.

17. As stated above either log into WordPress or use your FTP client software to establish a connection with your website's root directory. Once connected navigate to the theme's parent directory:

/wp-content/themes/atahualpa/

18. Open the "header.php" file and look for the following code:

<!– Header –>

As we turn up County Services road I see a police cruiser and feel the urge to ride close behind it, maybe out of fear that if something happened I could get the officers attention. So the police takes a left and as we continue along the dark winding road I begin to think how quick things could go bad for me. I can't help but think of the number of good gestures that have been met with tragic ends. Being that we're already in the car I figure the best way to get through this was to remain calm and collected so I shook off my fears and kept it moving at the normal speed limit.

Once we arrived at Austell road he and I both breathed a sigh of relief. Him for not having to walk that cold road and me for getting him to his destination unharmed. So he leaves and as I'm heading home I reflect on my actions and immediately begin to grade myself. I'm sure it was obvious to the gentleman that I was annoyed by the confrontation therefore I'm sure I may have come across a little harsh. I didn't offer much conversation during the brief trip but he made several references to being Blessed for the both of us. I probably could've been a little more sympathic to his situation and offered my services with a "free'er heart" but I chose not to. In the end none of this mattered to the gentleman as he had one objective in mind, which was to make it up the road and get one step closer to his final destination.

I can't help but wonder why this gentleman would be in Starbucks at that particular time and why I'd be called back to Starbucks. The owner of the case could easily have went back to Starbucks himself but instead he was led to call me. I could've said no to the owner and went home but I didn't. Now that I'm reflecting on it I believe it was meant for me to be there and for our paths cross that night.

For those of us who walk by Faith and believe in the greater good we're often placed in situations which are designed to test our faith and moral compasses. If I say I'm working to be this "new creature" then how do I show this when tested. How would I respond to someone who asks for my help? Do I shun this person out of fear for my own personal safety? Do I give a hand full of change out of contempt and disgust? Or do I yield to any number of instructions provided as scriptures that speak to giving and helping those considered less fortunate:

1 John 3:17 – But if someone who is supposed to be a Christian has money enough to live well, and sees a brother in need, and won't help him–how can God's love be within him ? 

1 John 3:18 – Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions. 

1 John 3:19 – Then we will know for sure, by our actions, that we are on God's side, and our consciences will be clear, even when we stand before the Lord. 

Proverbs 14:31 – Anyone who oppresses the poor is insulting God who made them. To help the poor is to honor God.

Proverbs 19:17 – When you help the poor you are lending to the Lord–and he pays wonderful interest on your loan!

Proverbs 21:13 – He who shuts his ears to the cries of the poor will be ignored in his own time of need.

Proverbs 22:9 – Happy is the generous man, the one who feeds the poor. 

I could go on and on but the last verse speaks volumes because it lets me know that this could easily be me. Though my journey has been plentiful I'm but a breath away from being in this situation. So in speaking from my own experiences I can attest to needing help from strangers. Although it's a position I'm constantly fighting to stay away from sometimes things happen whether by design, faith, or chance. So as I walk away from this test I give myself a "C" because even though I acknowledged the test, and gave, I didn't do so freely, nor do I think I would've. So I don't get to pat myself on the back, per say. I can only hope that as He continues to Guide my Flight and hold me accountable for my actions He takes into account my mindset, what's on my heart, and the possible circumstances that forces me to consider my personal safety before His Instruction. Therefore I won't end this post by saying we should all be good to our fellow man. Instead I say continue to be truthful to the person that you are and hope that the relationship with your chosen Saviour isn't strained because of the choices you'll have to make when tested.

Eph 2:9 Salvation is not a reward for the good we have done, so none of us can take any credit for it.